Want to know how?
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Want to know how?
Follow me here:
Sometimes when I’m bored, like real bored I go back and read my posts from the early days. The days when my blog didn’t quite a voice yet(not that it has much a voice these days) and I remember the fun that I had, the passion that went into writing some of these posts and the memories it brings back.
I also realize my delusion for perception and reality, but alas. Those words are mine and they are my memories, however I choose to remember them.
Over the last few years I’ve posted here and there but nothing with any regularity like the older days. I’ve been debating deleting this blog, of letting it go and moving on.
I just can’t seem to do it.
See I can keep a secret.
I sorta hinted at something big a few posts down and at that point I was beginning to bust at the seams with excitement. I had kept that secret hidden from the online world as much as possible. My friends knew, hell everyone knew expect my then boyfriend(more on that later).
So how did all this come together? How oh how did I pull this off?
Lots of late nights on the internet trying to find the most memorable thing that I could think of.
The idea started off actually small, really. I had approached Adamo with the idea of going to visit New York for my 30th Birthday and his 28th Birthday. We had begun to piece our lives back together and this trip seemed like the perfect way for us to focus on a common goal for the first time in a very long while. It was innocently enough supposed to be just a same trip, a getaway.
And then one night I was researching things to do and see and it stuck me and I started and looking at the cutest places to propose, ya know just in case that was something I wanted to do. This was December and the trip was 5 months away.
Slowly, I found myself spending more and more times researching places to propose. The top of the Empire State Building, Central Park, the Brooklyn Bridge and then it hit me. I have this giant picture of Times Square above my bed and one night after looking at all the options for that night it hit me. I could find somewhere in Times Square and every time we looked at that picture it would remind us of that magical day.
That’s how I found the scrolling billboard and the months leading up to it began to kill me. But I knew that it would be something that would be bigger than I have ever done and I had to keep it in. It didn’t help that Adamo began talking about marriage about a month before we left…
I’ve been anticipating writing this for years. Ever since the day I read about Michael Mouse’s I’ve waited for this day, and it’s here. It’s finally here!!! A week away from my 30th Birthday, I present to you my dirty thirty
1. I will give my opinion only when asked.
2. I will remember that not everyone gets my humor.
3. I will get my bachelor’s degree.
4. I will continue to cherish my friendships.
5. I/we will purchase a house.
6. I will embrace fatherhood when the day comes.
7. I will write more.
8. I will pick a hobby.
9. I will let go of the idea of being on a reality show.
10. I will remember that I am not as important as I think that I am.
11. I will remember that it’s about progress, not perfection.
12. My credit is something I should not fear.
13. I/we will take more vacations.
14. I will go to more concerts.
15. I will stop calling old gay men, old queens. I am becoming one.
16. I will remember the kid inside me and allow him to thrive.
17. I will remember that not everyone is into pop culture as I am.
18. I will give myself more ‘me’ time.
19. I will remember that I am only human, not superman.
20. I will read more books.
21. I will finish the tattoos I keep talking about.
22. I will learn when to keep myself shut.
23. I will learn to let things go.
24. Prayer works, it really does.
25. I will remember that even when things are good, I must still do the work.
26. I will allow myself to be in the present more than I currently do.
27. I will remember that not everyone has to like me, for me to like me.
28. I will remember my tools when things are bad.
29. I will learn to listen more and communicate more effectively.
30. I will remember that I will always have this disease but it can be treated by the program that has given me a life I never imagined.
It’s not so dirty but these are my goals for the next ten years. It’ll be fun to read it again in 10 years. I left one off…but you’ll have to wait and see what it is.
In exactly two weeks, Adamo and I will be on the adventure of a lifetime in New York City. You see about 6 months ago I came up with this idea that I wanted to turn 30 in New York. From that idea came a whole other set of ideas and thoughts and over the last few months, the pieces have slowly began to put themselves together for what is going to be my greatest Misadventure yet.
The details include your typical New York things: Brooklyn Bridge, Central Park, shopping, eating, and just all around touristy stuff.
There’s more….SO MUCH MORE. It’s killing me inside to keep it all in but trust me….It’s gonna be huge…HUGE!
The prelude to all of this upcoming misadventureness is a concert to see one of my favorite bands, Garbage followed by a early Sunday evening themed dinner. “Funeral for Santi’s 20’s”
Stay tuned Constant Reader. I promise not to dissapoint.
Ok, 2011 is over and done with and now everything starts anew I suppose. But does it really? Do the mistakes that were made in the past year just instantly vanish? Do the fears, the resentments, the anger that was harbored just simply disappear when the clock strikes midnight? Does love that was gain or lost just simply vanish? I’d venture to say that no. That the clock causing another year to occur doesn’t change anything.
WE are the ones who can change the outcome of the next year. We are the ones who can make choices, decisions, actions that will determine what the next year will look like.
Now that doesn’t mean that I’m not superstitious. I’ve mentioned before that for I feel whatever happens to me on New Years Eve determines what my next year will look like. Last year Adamo and I spent it fighting and arguing over a look that the gave me. A fucking LOOK. Can you imagine how petty and childish that is, looking back. I can say with all honesty that was pretty fucking petty of me.
And of course the past year has been what I like to call a Tornado…a Tornado that ran through my life, sucking everything up in it and then placing things wherever they landed. This includes people, places and things. And trust me I dragged other people into this tornado, one in particular person that no matter how much I try won’t seem to forgive me. Scratch that he can forgive me for what I have done, he can’t forgive my heart. I guess that’s probably the most general way that I can put things. This tornado was a fucking mess y’all. Adamo and I don’t live in the same household anymore. We spent about 95% of our relationship living together and now we have two separate homes. We share custody of our 3 dogs and ya know what? I think that’s one of the best things that could have happened to us. We both have been able to find our own independence. To gain our own identities again and start things new. We didn’t need another year to do that.
2011 ended with me winning some money, and having an almost calm evening compared to others. I was surrounded by a lot of people who I love and care about and it just seemed peaceful. It felt calm. I just can’t help but wonder though, if the remains of that tornado is just looming. The thing is that, if that is the case at least I’ll be ready this year. Last year taught me a lot of things, it taught me that I am a pretty fucking strong person. I have a perseverance about me, some have said. Granted that can get the best of me or give me many great things. One thing I do know is that this year for me, is going to be about solutions. Finding solutions on how to live a healthier happier life.
Life seems to be more enjoyable that way.
I was re-reading my blog the other day, like I do from time to time and became a little nostalgic. I felt that I used to have so many great misadventures and nothing really happens to me anymore. The fact of the matter is that stuff does happen to me still, it’s just on a whole different level.
This past weekend is a clear example. Thursday night, Adamo and I got all dolled up for the 66th anniversary of AA in Austin. On the drive there, he got me lost and I was on a conference call with my AA group for some important meeting business. See I’ve gotten myself right into the middle of my group and became involved, it’s helped me in so many ways. I was a bit angered by this “annoyance” of a phone call(mostly because I couldn’t hear anything that was being said, and basically just sat there on the phone. But my presence is what truly mattered), I got a sense of relief knowing that another member who was also at this dinner was going through the same thing I was. The speaker we heard that night was inspirational. 59 years of sobriety and 90 years old. I cannot even begin to imagine the life she has lived, things she has seen and faced.
Friday night, I worked briefly at my second job and came home to my roommates having a Christmas party. All of my favorite LezGirls were there. And I didn’t know how much a Christmas card would mean to people(I had them some behind for them in my absence). Adamo’s best friend was in town and I had a huge apprehension against it. The last time she was here, I wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around. We’ll call that BS(Before Sobriety) but I made my amends to her and she thanked me and told me it was something that I needn’t worry about. Another one I can check off my list.
Saturday we went to a Christmas party and then two birthday parties downtown on 4th street. The Christmas party was fun, downtown was not. The thing with clubs for me these days is that it’s still the same as it was 2 1/2 years ago. Nothing has changed. The same people are there, the same drunkenness and I can see the sadness in so many people’s eyes. We didn’t stay very long.
Sunday, I convinced Adamo that we could open Christmas presents early. I had been dying for the last week to give him his present. He loved it. He even said that it was one of the best, if not the best present he has ever received. I was thrilled because I had thought long and hard before getting it for him.
We relaxed while watching the Survivor: South Pacific Finale and my weekend was complete. Sitting back reflecting today, I’m glad that my life has changed in many ways and many ways it hasn’t(Survivor Finale). And although my misadventures aren’t what they used to be, they still exist and the probably will as long as I keep on living…and writing.