WE are the ones who can change the outcome of the next year. We are the ones who can make choices, decisions, actions that will determine what the next year will look like.

Now that doesn’t mean that I’m not superstitious. I’ve mentioned before that for I feel whatever happens to me on New Years Eve determines what my next year will look like. Last year Adamo and I spent it fighting and arguing over a look that the gave me. A fucking LOOK. Can you imagine how petty and childish that is, looking back. I can say with all honesty that was pretty fucking petty of me.

And of course the past year has been what I like to call a Tornado…a Tornado that ran through my life, sucking everything up in it and then placing things wherever they landed.  This includes people, places and things.  And trust me I dragged other people into this tornado, one in particular person that no matter how much I try won’t seem to forgive me. Scratch that he can forgive me for what I have done, he can’t forgive my heart.  I guess that’s probably the most general way that I can put things.  This tornado was a fucking mess y’all. Adamo and I don’t live in the same household anymore.  We spent about 95% of our relationship living together and now we have two separate homes. We share custody of our 3 dogs and ya know what? I think that’s one of the best things that could have happened to us. We both have been able to find our own independence. To gain our own identities again and start things new. We didn’t need another year to do that.

2011 ended with me winning some money, and having an almost calm evening compared to others. I was surrounded by a lot of people who I love and care about and it just seemed peaceful. It felt calm.  I just can’t help but wonder though, if the remains of that tornado is just looming.  The thing is that, if that is the case at least I’ll be ready this year. Last year taught me a lot of things, it taught me that I am a pretty fucking strong person.  I have a perseverance about me, some have said.  Granted that can get the best of me or give me many great things.  One thing I do know is that this year for me, is going to be about solutions. Finding solutions on how to live a healthier happier life.

Life seems to be more enjoyable that way.

This past weekend is a clear example. Thursday night, Adamo and I got all dolled up for the 66th anniversary of AA in Austin.  On the drive there, he got me lost and I was on a conference call with my AA group for some important meeting business. See I’ve gotten myself right into the middle of my group and became involved, it’s helped me in so many ways. I was a bit angered by this “annoyance” of a phone call(mostly because I couldn’t hear anything that was being said, and basically just sat there on the phone. But my presence is what truly mattered), I got a sense of relief knowing that another member who was also at this dinner was going through the same thing I was.  The speaker we heard that night was inspirational. 59 years of sobriety and 90 years old. I cannot even begin to imagine the life she has lived, things she has seen and faced.

Friday night, I worked briefly at my second job and came home to my roommates having a Christmas party. All of my favorite LezGirls were there. And I didn’t know how much a Christmas card would mean to people(I had them some behind for them in my absence). Adamo’s best friend was in town and I had a huge apprehension against it. The last time she was here, I wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around. We’ll call that BS(Before Sobriety) but I made my amends to her and she thanked me and told me it was something that I needn’t worry about. Another one I can check off my list.

Saturday we went to a Christmas party and then two birthday parties downtown on 4th street. The Christmas party was fun, downtown was not. The thing with clubs for me these days is that it’s still the same as it was 2 1/2 years ago. Nothing has changed. The same people are there, the same drunkenness and I can see the sadness in so many people’s eyes. We didn’t stay very long.

Sunday, I convinced Adamo that we could open Christmas presents early. I had been dying for the last week to give him his present. He loved it. He even said that it was one of the best, if not the best present he has ever received. I was thrilled because I had thought long and hard before getting it for him.

We relaxed while watching the Survivor: South Pacific Finale and my weekend was complete. Sitting back reflecting today, I’m glad that my life has changed in many ways and many ways it hasn’t(Survivor Finale). And although my misadventures aren’t what they used to be, they still exist and the probably will as long as I keep on living…and writing.

I’ve been thinking about Adamo and I’s planned trip to New York City for my 30th birthday. It’s in April which almost seems like a lifetime away. It’s only 5 months away but still feels as so much can change in such a quick time frame. I can’t wait for the trip for the adventure and for the stories that I’ll be able to keep with me for the rest of my life.

That’s what I think I’ve been missing in my life, not the adventures but the writing about said adventures. Since Adamo and I got together my blog has suffered from it. I think I’ve pinpointed as to why my writing stopped, I lost my muse. My muse for so long was the city of Austin, the misadventures I had and tales of love gained and love lost and today(well for a quite sometime now) I have that love that I yearned for so long. I wonder why it’s taken me 5 years to realize that. Am I really that stubborn of a person that I can’t see something so beautiful right in front of me. Maybe it’s because I’m on some kind of spiritual high today but I feel inspired to write.

I’ve missed moments like this, moments where I’ve just let my thoughts run wild and see where my fingertips take me and see what comes out of my mind. I know that I need to write more. Hell in the last month I’ve written more on the blog, on my computer  and just in general that I have in the last 4 years. The tricky part is collecting the thoughts and ideas and putting them into one cohesive thing and then just go with it. I want to write a story, well maybe a book but let’s start small here and say a story first. I feel inspired Constant Reader. I’m ready for 2012 and whatever may come, I know that I can deal with it. Life has taught me many lessons and I’m still willing to learn.

So if that is what makes me different then so be it. I also don’t get into the hooking up thing either. Granted I’ve been in a committed relationship for the last 5 years but even if I was single and for the short bit that I was single recently, hooking up didn’t have the allure that it once did in my early twenties. I would always feel that I lost a part of who I was whenever I hooked up with whomever Mr. Right Now was for the night. I am a classy lady after all. A walking contradiction of myself. I have friends who hook up using the Grindr method for their Iphones, if you don’t know what that is ask any gay man you know I’m sure he has heard of it. Constant Reader cruising in the bathroom has evolved and now you can have dick at your door faster than a pizza delivery…or hell even from the pizza delivery boy. That sort of selling my soul short isn’t for me. But I watch my friends, Iphone in hand waiting for the next one to click their name, another nameless face on the pillow, another part of the soul gone.  That is atleast how I would feel if that was something that I took part of, luckily I don’t. So I sit back, watch and observe and wonder “Is it really worth it?”

Don’t even get me started on the tabloids…a certain person that I am very close to likes to talk about the tabloids and the latest goings on of celebrities. I know what you’re saying or thinking…Santi that is what your blog was about for so long. Well yea that is true and yes I still watch a few reality shows now and then but my life isn’t engulfed in the latest excursions of the Kardasians or how Brad Pitt wants Jennifer Aniston back. I just don’t get it. My life has a million things going on and I don’t need mindless information floating around anymore. How about we talk about the endless war that is going on? Or this Occupy Movement? Or how about the fact that our minds our so dulled with pointless information that most gay people won’t get out of the bar to try and fight for the rights we so lawfully deserve.

Walking contradiction…

I know it seems like I’m all over the place with this one but the truth of the matter is that I’m not. My friends have been telling me for quite sometime that I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body. I have since believed them and embrace my lesbianism with a badge of honor. And that’s to the movie, “Easy A” I was able to give a name to my raging lesbianism. I call it Lesbegay. I’m too gay to be straight, to straight to be gay and to much of a man to be a lesbiam. Walking contradiction indeed.

It’s fun though. No more rules for me. I can listen to Indigo Girls, Tracy Chapman, Sarah McLachlan and my newest obsession Uh Huh Her and be proud of that. I don’t need to listen to Britney Spears just because every other queer is doing it. No ma’am that isn’t me.

So again it’s not that I try to be different it’s just that I am different. I was born this way(no gaga reference intended) and I’m ok with that. I feel as I am finally growing into the adult I want to be and that feels amazing.

Over the last year I have had my bouts with being a dry drunk, I even recall sitting in my therapist office describing whatever issue it was that I was having at that current moment and she just looked at me and said, “have you ever considered that you’ve turned into a dry drunk?” My jaw dropped, I couldn’t believe that she had accused me of such a thing, but the fact of the matter was she was right.

During all of the Adamo drama nonsense in the early and latter part of the year, I kept alot of that shit in. I didn’t talk about, didn’t do any work about it and lord knows that I didn’t share about it in meetings. Although there were a few instances were my speaking in a general way, pretty much hinted at the fact that I was dying on the inside and was looking for a slow escape.

The thing was during this period and the brief periods that I have currently, drinking was never an option for me. It is just not an option. I’ve seen what alcohol can do to my life, I’ve seen the destructive path that I can take when Happy Hour turns into a 3 day drinking binge, I’ve seen all of that crap and I know exactly where it would lead me. So for me, for this one little recovering alcoholic. Drinking is never an option. Sure they tell us in meetings, “just do it one day at a time”

bullshit.

That’s a trick, that’s how they get some of us to stick around…and it works.

For me this is a forever process. From the moment I decided to become sober, until hopefully the day I die, I plan on never taking a drink again.  Now that doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen, anything can happen. I just plan on never taking a drink again.

I just never thought that sobriety could get so miserable sometimes.  As I mentioned in the post below, as the year ends I’ve begun to reflect back on the past year and the years past. This past year has been a big year for me in letting things go, letting people go. I’ve had so many friendships basically dissolve right in front of my face, and there is one friendship that hurts above them all. A friendship that I maintained long distance for 10 years and now I feel in the words of Tracy Chapman, “we are less than strangers”. It’s true, that’s how I feel and you know after some lovely internal work, I’m ok with that. I know today that I don’t have to agree with something to be ok with it. I can just be ok with it. No further work needed. No need to let the things rattle off in my brain as I try to sleep. It’s a lovely process.

But the road to get here hasn’t been easy. I’ve struggled this year more than I can ever recall struggling while I was drinking. And it wasn’t with staying sober, it was in maintaining my sanity. All of the Adamo drama, friendships falling out of place drama, work drama, moving drama, sponsor drama, finding my balance drama, it took it’s toll on me. Mentally there were days when I didn’t know what was left and what was right. That’s insanity Constant Reader. And westside problems mind you.

So when I finally came around to picking this book up, I was able to relate to the author in so many ways. From his insane childhood, to beginining to hate meetings to losing people. It was a powerful piece of writing. Even for those not in recovery I’d recommend it. If anyone out there has seen ‘Running with Scissors’, this book can be seen in some ways as the sequel. Both describe a very abnormal childhood which in my experience carries over into one’s adult hood.

The good thing is that book inspired me in so many ways. It inspired me to write again. Maybe not all in the blog but just in general. I can finally hear my voice coming back and those other voices in my head, the ones that hang out with the village idiot well they seemed to have calmed down for the moment.

But tomorrow is always a brand new day, and I need to approach it as such.

That’s always been a hard pill for me to swallow. The impermance of everything. How does that line go? The only thing that stays the same is everything changes?

When I moved her 10 years ago, I was close to four people: Chase, Juan, Anthony and Justin. Today, three of those people are still in my life in some shape or form. Chase just recently moved back from San Antonio, and lives five minutes from me. She’s the big sister I never had and loved me through some of the darkest times in the last 10 years and now he she is again, re appearing in my life. Juan and I are like the brothers who never talk but when they do, no time has seemed to pass. He’s my younger sister’s bestfriend and I feel almost honored that I have a part in that. And Justin, sweet Justin is living in New York, studying and living the married life. I’m not sure of what happened to Anthony, it was always a strained relationship anyways.

Jenny, was another person I grew close to over the years. When I first met her 8 years ago, her bestfriend was in love with her and she didn’t know what to do. Last week they got married on a beach in Maui. That my friend is what memories are made of.

Jaime, is probably one of the biggest regrets and disapointments in the last 10 years.  We met through my then boyfriend Ralph and over time grew very close. He was one of my bestfriends and partners in crime and maybe from the begining that relationship was doomed but I will just never know. When we moved in together(along with Adamo), things were fine…for like the first month. My alcoholism had begun to hit it’s peak and very quickly that friendship deteriorated.  When he moved out, he wrote on his final check, “For a year of hell”. That was heartbreaking and sad and even though I’ve forgiven myself, sometimes I wonder if he’s ever forgiven me.

Another person that came out of my relationship with Ralph, was Joey.  Back then he was Ralph’s roomate but over the years they grew distant and because of an incident that got Joey in alot of trouble, he rekindled a friendship with me. Today he is probably one of the few people that I am closest to. Someone who saw me in the dark days of drinking and has still maintained a friendship with me during sobriety.

Cat, Emma and Snippy…Such an odd way to meet people. I met Cat and Emma on a message board back when we stalked The Real World cast and when we met in person, it was like a friendship was always there. Through Cat I met Snippy and for awhile there we all hung out and were really good friends. Cat lives in Utah now, Emma in Boston(I think) and Snippy is living the single mom life. Each amazingly strong woman that I have been honored to know.

There is also RT, SD, Tracy, and Bren. People who I had a strong bond with for a very long time. It seems that once my drinking career ended, so did my relationship with them. It’s sad but alas that is life.

Finally, there is Adamo. My sweet precious Adamo. Over the last 5 years we have been through some good times and then some very BAD times and when I thought things couldn’t get any harder we found sobriety. It was a path that I feel we were both meant to be on, a journey that we were meant to take together.  Over the last year sadly that journey has been the MOST difficult thing we have done together.  As soon as the clock struck midnight last year we had an arguement and I spent the first half of the year debating if I wanted to be in the relationship or not. Ultimately coming to the decision in April that I wanted out. That last for all of about 5 minutes and then by the end of May I wanted out again. After something that I am still trying to figure out, I tried the relationship again but my mid September I wanted out again. Are we sensing a pattern here? By the middle of October and believing that it was truly over, I wanted him back again. So here we are again. Trying a completely new approach on our relationship. Where does this road lead us? I have no clue but I’m willing to do the work to see how far it gets us. I can’t forget that part and just throw my hands up in the air and say I’m done!

Over the last two years and a half years I have been creating relationships with people who have literally saved my life countless times. I won’t mention names on here because I don’t know how comfortable they would be with that, and I’m not quite sure they even read this but they to me are one of the greatest gifts that sobriety could have given me.  There are so many people in recovery that I love and  cherish(some more than others but still) and there are another limited few who have inspired me in so many ways. Those who have turned this light on inside of me that I have never seen before and for that I am grateful.

Not quite sure what inspired me to write all of this and I’m not really sure that I even need to know why. The important thing for me to remember is that I have come a long way from Fort Worth to Denver to Austin and have a host of friends that are one of the greatest treasures in life. I love some of them more than I love my actual biological family because to me they are my logical family.

I’ve revamped the look of the page. I can’t believe that I started this blog almost 7 years ago. and 5 years ago I began a path of walking away from it. But the more and more I realize that I am attached to this blog very much. It has a rich history in it, a history that sometimes I want to forget and not think about but a history that is mine, it’s part of my story. It holds alot of memories for me within it, some good, some bad but they are MY memories. Even when I took my creative efforts and bended them in a way that benefited me, they are still my memories.  I hope that more stories will come from this ‘facelift’ but we shall see.

deep.

So deep, within.

Change is constant, change is coming.

I could sit and wait, patiently.

Or, I could change myself.

Turn things around and look for my brighter future.

This can’t be it, This can’t be all that we dreamed up.

The stillness, the quietness, the silence.

No, it runs deeps. Deeper than either of us care to admit.

Beyond the love, there’s something deeper, darker and more sinister than we could have imagined.

I need to walk away, walk past, walk through.

Leave things behind, start over. and change.

I love my friends. Many of whom I can’t mention on here but they are all so equally special to me. I learn from them daily and hopefully I’m able to leave a piece of myself with them. There’s something about getting a group of people in recovery together, where they are speaking the same language and aiming towards a common solution that brings peace to my heart.

I cried on a few occassions this weekend but they were tears of joy. Seeing how magical and in sync things are is amazing. What is more amazing is the ability to be present to watch these miracles occur. To remember it. To know what it feels like to be completely at peace, even if for a moment. For me, when things get rough I think of these moments and know that things will get better.

This is all such a gift and I’m blessed. And I know there is so much work to be done, on me and the damage I caused others but I’m ok with that. I’m ok these days-and that’s a damn good feeling.

I was talking to a friend tonight and he mentioned something interesting to me. He said, “All you know how to do is go from 0 to 60 but you need to find that throttle”. It’s been sitting with me since. What he was basically saying was that I need to find some kind of middle ground. Since getting sober I was told to stay busy, busy, busy. And boy I have. From serving on different committees to particapating in any group activity I can. I never really take ‘me’ time. I don’t sit and be still in the silence, I just go, go, go.

That worked for my first 18 months. Now I need to find that balance. I need to know how to be ok with being alone, my recovery, find time for Adamo and the kids(Brussell, Sprout and Basil-d0gs), and my social circle of friends(my logical family). There is a balance but I’m so damned used to going from 0 to 60 it’s hard to find.

Which is why I appreciate being on social lockdown so much. I’m getting the chance, I believe to be right smack in the middle of things yet stand on the outside and look in for a bit. I kind of think of it as a fish jumping out of the bowl. I get the chance to look back at what goes on inside that bowl and appreciate it but if I’m on the outside to long I’ll start to suffocate and die. I hope that made some kind of sense cause it did in my head.

I’m at peace right now and I enjoy it. The silence is good even when there’s music playing in the background.

Where to start? Yesterday, I worked then joined a gym. You can lift yourself off the ground now Constant Reader, I couldn’t believe it myself. Afterwards, I went to H-E-B to get me some fat girl food. That’s right, I joined them gym(didn’t do any gym stuff, like you know work out) and went shopping for food. Something was obviously wrong with this picture. I came home and Adamo was leaving the house so I figured that I paid for the membership I might as well go. I mean that makes complete sense right? I called a friend for some encouragement. Gyms intimidate me as odd as that sounds. But I thought to myself, ‘these people aren’t paying attention to me and probably could give a shit about what I’m doing’ So I put my headphones on and went into my own world and worked out.  I felt pretty proud of myself afterwards. I paid for a year membership, because I knew if I did the month to month thing I would easily talk myself out of not going. I want to work out. I need some six pack abs, well not need but want. I love the V shape on a guys body near their waste. I want that. It’s sexy, like Bruno Mars.

Class started today. Semester 2 in my return to college. I honestly don’t know how I managed to scrap together the credits I do have while I was going to school and drinking. This shit is hard! This semester is going to be intense. INTENSE. But I thought the same thing last semester and I walked away with a B. It wasn’t an A but it was a hard earned B.  My school days are going to be 12 hours long. Thank you the inventor of MONSTER!

I guess that’s another reason I’m trying to keep up with this blog more. Writing, like working out in a gym is about starting small and slowly increasing the amount. Working the muscle out if you will. Somewhere along the road I lost my writing muscles and I’m gonna need them for this semester. So I’m going to try and work them out. Get my brain working again.

I’m off to bed now Constant Reader. Be well.

As you know Constant Reader, I’m on this spiritual path now and I was complaining to someone about over socializing. That my life is way to busy with socializing and I don’t have any ‘me’ time or any down time. So I was given an assignment. I have to go 1 month without any social activities. I can go to work, class, meetings, spend time with my husband but the rest of the time is all about me.

I had to cancel a few social engagements and some people were not happy with me. I was really excited about this thing on Wednesday that I had to cancel.

You see I tend to overbook myself, I’ve gotten into this habit of ‘go go go go go’ that I fail to see what is it about doing all of this that makes me happy? The funny thing is I could say no and keep doing what I’m doing, but what would the fun in that be? What lesson would I have missed if I decided to continue, doing what I’m doing.

So here’s til tomorrow, day one of ‘No Social Me’

I have always had this odd connection with the ‘Tales of the City’ series. It was written as a daily serial in the late 70′s and was later turned into several books, the most recent one which has just come out and I finished within 2 days, of course once it was over for me I wanted more.  This series has always been special to me because there was always more of them. I read them out of order and have only recently completed the series. The end, I fear my have come.

The first time I was introduced to the series was in 2001 when I was a weee lad of 19. I was barely coming out and coming to grips with my sexuality.  I saw ‘Further Tales of the City’ on Showtime and immediately fell in love with Michael Tolliver-one of the stories main characters, a GAY character.  He seemed to live in a world that I wanted to become a part of. For me though, this was a world I would never truly experience. Further Tales was set in the early 80′s, before AIDS and the things Michael got into just made being gay an ok thing.  I learned from that mini series that even when the rest of the world hates you, when your world doesn’t that’s all that matters.

Later that year after moving to Austin I found the 6th book(and at that time the last one) called ‘Sure of You ‘ it came out in 1989. 10 years had passed since Further Tales and Michael was now living in a world very much affected by the AIDS crisis, the innocence was gone but in a way it was still there.  There was also Mary Ann Singleton, the catalyst really of the entire series and by this book she had out grown tired San Francisco and  as with life things began to change for her.

Again, I went back to the series but started from the beginning with ‘Tales of the City’.  This was presented in a way the stories where originally told as ‘mini chapters’  You see the series started like I said earlier as a daily serial for a San Francisco newspaper in the late seventies.  In the first book I learned about how Mary Ann came to San Fran, how Michael ended up at the infamous 28 Barbary Lane. Taken back once more to a world that I could never be a part of but almost immediately felt at place.  The adventures carried on in “More Tales of the City” and “Further Tales of the City” and I read those very quickly in the anthology book “28 Barbary Lane”.  There was a 2nd anthology book entitled “Back to Barbary” but I stayed away from that for many years, I already known how it would ended and I was so caught up in how it began to care much more about reading anything else.

Then I saw the movies in order. Olympia Dukakis(?) plays the role of Mrs. Madrigal the landlady of Barbary Lane and the old sage the tenants seem to rely on. They were her ‘Logical Family’ none were her ‘Bio Logical Family’ except one but I won’t spoil it for you. The beauty of these books is that each carries it’s own little special mystery and everything in the end is connect. The author has a beauty for crafting this.

I left the books alone for a few years. Sometimes going back and reading a chapter here and there just to kind of ya know check up on my friends on Barbary Lane(but only those first 3 books) and in 2008 I heard the news that Armistead Maupin was coming out with a 7th book in the series but he wasn’t calling it a 7th book in the series because it wasn’t written in his traditional 3rd person form. No this one was going to be read in 1st Person Form and it was all about Michael Tolliver. ‘Michael Tolliver Lives’ was a different ‘Tales’ book for me because now the world that was being described to me was a world that I lived in.  It was set in the late 2000′s and Michael has survived the AIDS epidemic. He had not died when the series ended, no his character sat waiting patiently for 20 years until Maupin picked up his pen again and wrote one more adventure for him.

Since then I went back to read the 2 books I had passed over in the last 8 years.  ’Babycakes’ is the 4th book in the series and quite honestly my favoriate.  The cross continental storyline is amazing and once again everything is connected. ‘Significant Others’ for me was hard to read, the characters were growing up and although I knew how things turned out for them as real grown ups I couldn’t read about them going through the growing pains because I knew in the end, they’d for the most part come out ok.  Life isn’t like that, in order for us to grow we must go through something and grow from that.

Now in 2010 I finished reading all 7 books(Maupin has since admitted that ‘Micheal Tolliver Lives’ is book 7 in the series) and the oddest thing happened. I began to share my experience with the books with my friends, one in particular ate them up rather quickly. He read them in order over the last few months and then I found out that the story wasn’t over just yet. There was 1 more book coming out.

Adamo bought me ‘Mary Ann in Autumn’ this past week and I finished it within 2 days. I missed my friends from Barbary Lane. This time I didn’t know how it ended, what happened in the middle, or how it all began. This was all so new for me!  The characters were living in a world that I was a part of. A world that includes Iphones, facebook, skype, twitter and these characters were experiencing it and I got to experience it with them.

For me honestly, it’s been like being part of this wierd time warp. I’ve gone back in time and read about the 70′s, the 80′s and the 90′s were skipped but here we were in the 2000′s experiencing a whole new adventure.  Maupin has introduced 2 new characters that have absolutely gotten me hooked again.  First there is Jake, a transgender man. Yes, he’s a woman becoming a man. Trying to find love while he is trying to find himself. This speaks volumes for me because I don’t know what the feels like and now Maupin has given a human face to it, for me atleast. Second, is Shawna. She was born around the time I was and is a very vibrant free spirit. She has only heard of the stories about what had happened on Barbary Lane but never experienced them, kind of like me.

The story ends with Mary Ann leaving San Francisco wondering about moving back and all I kept screaming was ‘Yes! Yes! Do it!.

These characters are all very powerful and I can’t imagine them just sitting idle in the magical world of San Francisco. I can’t wait until book 9 comes out and I recommend you get acquainted with the residents of 28 Barbary Lane. Trust me, you’ll be hooked too.

Here’s to happy reading.

Deep beneath all my posts, whether they were angry, funny, witty, dramatic or cute- was a very lonely person and person who wanted to be accepted, liked and cared for.  So I wrote to make myself feel better, to make my life seem better.  Looking back, I regret nothing because those events whether slightly fabricated or not brought me to where I am today.

A 28 year old Recovering Alcoholic.

There I said it Constant Reader.

Up until a year ago  I  alienated most in my life to the point where most people didn’t want to be around me.  Over the last year I’ve made ammends to some of those relationships, and some unfortunately may never heal. I’m ok with that today because I know that I am doing what is best for me and I’ve done what I can to mend those relationships, how others react is none of my business.

I learned that it was exhausting to be my friend for some people. It was hell being my roommate I’m sure.  If this is ever read by anyone who falls into either of those categories(or both) I’m sorry.  I was a very sick person. I was so deep into my alcoholism that I didn’t realize the destruction I was causing. Ok, I did realize the destruction I was causing but at that time I didn’t care.  I did feel shame, alot of it. So I drank more to forget about it.  That’s part of the reason the blog went away for a little bit.  I was shameful of my actions, my behavior that no spin on it would ever make it seem better. So the shame cycle became my life. Shame, drink, more shame, more drinking…rinse and repeat.

Adamo was here too and our relationship took many hits. It’s a miracle today that we are still together. We both realized that sobriety was the better option for us and it was probably the best decision we have ever made. Either by ourselves or together it was the best things we did for our own individual selves.

When I got sober, I didn’t know what was in store for me. So I went to meetings fresh out of detox, got involved and stuck around.  By no means am I healed.  This is a daily thing for me. 24 hours at a time.  I have a lot of demons to work out.  Atleast now I know how to keep them at bay, and some I know how to get rid of or work on.

I’m happy now than I’ve ever been and that’s the god’s honest truth. I like how my life looks now. I’m not shameful of the past because I’ve learned to not regret it, nor will I shut the door on it.  It brought me from there to here.