Remembering, Changes.

Recently, well mostly today I was looking at old pictures on facebook from the last few years of my life and it’s amazing the friendships that I have been able to build with people. Of course as it often does with me, the good comes with the bad and some people in these pictures are gone or have moved onto another chapter in their life.

That’s always been a hard pill for me to swallow. The impermance of everything. How does that line go? The only thing that stays the same is everything changes?

When I moved her 10 years ago, I was close to four people: Chase, Juan, Anthony and Justin. Today, three of those people are still in my life in some shape or form. Chase just recently moved back from San Antonio, and lives five minutes from me. She’s the big sister I never had and loved me through some of the darkest times in the last 10 years and now he she is again, re appearing in my life. Juan and I are like the brothers who never talk but when they do, no time has seemed to pass. He’s my younger sister’s bestfriend and I feel almost honored that I have a part in that. And Justin, sweet Justin is living in New York, studying and living the married life. I’m not sure of what happened to Anthony, it was always a strained relationship anyways.

Jenny, was another person I grew close to over the years. When I first met her 8 years ago, her bestfriend was in love with her and she didn’t know what to do. Last week they got married on a beach in Maui. That my friend is what memories are made of.

Jaime, is probably one of the biggest regrets and disapointments in the last 10 years.  We met through my then boyfriend Ralph and over time grew very close. He was one of my bestfriends and partners in crime and maybe from the begining that relationship was doomed but I will just never know. When we moved in together(along with Adamo), things were fine…for like the first month. My alcoholism had begun to hit it’s peak and very quickly that friendship deteriorated.  When he moved out, he wrote on his final check, “For a year of hell”. That was heartbreaking and sad and even though I’ve forgiven myself, sometimes I wonder if he’s ever forgiven me.

Another person that came out of my relationship with Ralph, was Joey.  Back then he was Ralph’s roomate but over the years they grew distant and because of an incident that got Joey in alot of trouble, he rekindled a friendship with me. Today he is probably one of the few people that I am closest to. Someone who saw me in the dark days of drinking and has still maintained a friendship with me during sobriety.

Cat, Emma and Snippy…Such an odd way to meet people. I met Cat and Emma on a message board back when we stalked The Real World cast and when we met in person, it was like a friendship was always there. Through Cat I met Snippy and for awhile there we all hung out and were really good friends. Cat lives in Utah now, Emma in Boston(I think) and Snippy is living the single mom life. Each amazingly strong woman that I have been honored to know.

There is also RT, SD, Tracy, and Bren. People who I had a strong bond with for a very long time. It seems that once my drinking career ended, so did my relationship with them. It’s sad but alas that is life.

Finally, there is Adamo. My sweet precious Adamo. Over the last 5 years we have been through some good times and then some very BAD times and when I thought things couldn’t get any harder we found sobriety. It was a path that I feel we were both meant to be on, a journey that we were meant to take together.  Over the last year sadly that journey has been the MOST difficult thing we have done together.  As soon as the clock struck midnight last year we had an arguement and I spent the first half of the year debating if I wanted to be in the relationship or not. Ultimately coming to the decision in April that I wanted out. That last for all of about 5 minutes and then by the end of May I wanted out again. After something that I am still trying to figure out, I tried the relationship again but my mid September I wanted out again. Are we sensing a pattern here? By the middle of October and believing that it was truly over, I wanted him back again. So here we are again. Trying a completely new approach on our relationship. Where does this road lead us? I have no clue but I’m willing to do the work to see how far it gets us. I can’t forget that part and just throw my hands up in the air and say I’m done!

Over the last two years and a half years I have been creating relationships with people who have literally saved my life countless times. I won’t mention names on here because I don’t know how comfortable they would be with that, and I’m not quite sure they even read this but they to me are one of the greatest gifts that sobriety could have given me.  There are so many people in recovery that I love and  cherish(some more than others but still) and there are another limited few who have inspired me in so many ways. Those who have turned this light on inside of me that I have never seen before and for that I am grateful.

Not quite sure what inspired me to write all of this and I’m not really sure that I even need to know why. The important thing for me to remember is that I have come a long way from Fort Worth to Denver to Austin and have a host of friends that are one of the greatest treasures in life. I love some of them more than I love my actual biological family because to me they are my logical family.