A friend recently let me borrow a copy of Augsten Burrough’s, “Dry” and it sat on top of my television for what seemed like months. I don’t know if the title turned me off or if just was not committed to reading a book at the moment. You see in AA we have a meaning for the word DRY. It’s a drunk, who doesn’t drink, and in some aspects sober but isn’t spiritually fit. They are just a dry drunk. It’s such a harsh term, but a term that I could relate to none the less.
Over the last year I have had my bouts with being a dry drunk, I even recall sitting in my therapist office describing whatever issue it was that I was having at that current moment and she just looked at me and said, “have you ever considered that you’ve turned into a dry drunk?” My jaw dropped, I couldn’t believe that she had accused me of such a thing, but the fact of the matter was she was right.
During all of the Adamo drama nonsense in the early and latter part of the year, I kept alot of that shit in. I didn’t talk about, didn’t do any work about it and lord knows that I didn’t share about it in meetings. Although there were a few instances were my speaking in a general way, pretty much hinted at the fact that I was dying on the inside and was looking for a slow escape.
The thing was during this period and the brief periods that I have currently, drinking was never an option for me. It is just not an option. I’ve seen what alcohol can do to my life, I’ve seen the destructive path that I can take when Happy Hour turns into a 3 day drinking binge, I’ve seen all of that crap and I know exactly where it would lead me. So for me, for this one little recovering alcoholic. Drinking is never an option. Sure they tell us in meetings, “just do it one day at a time”
bullshit.
That’s a trick, that’s how they get some of us to stick around…and it works.
For me this is a forever process. From the moment I decided to become sober, until hopefully the day I die, I plan on never taking a drink again. Now that doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen, anything can happen. I just plan on never taking a drink again.
I just never thought that sobriety could get so miserable sometimes. As I mentioned in the post below, as the year ends I’ve begun to reflect back on the past year and the years past. This past year has been a big year for me in letting things go, letting people go. I’ve had so many friendships basically dissolve right in front of my face, and there is one friendship that hurts above them all. A friendship that I maintained long distance for 10 years and now I feel in the words of Tracy Chapman, “we are less than strangers”. It’s true, that’s how I feel and you know after some lovely internal work, I’m ok with that. I know today that I don’t have to agree with something to be ok with it. I can just be ok with it. No further work needed. No need to let the things rattle off in my brain as I try to sleep. It’s a lovely process.
But the road to get here hasn’t been easy. I’ve struggled this year more than I can ever recall struggling while I was drinking. And it wasn’t with staying sober, it was in maintaining my sanity. All of the Adamo drama, friendships falling out of place drama, work drama, moving drama, sponsor drama, finding my balance drama, it took it’s toll on me. Mentally there were days when I didn’t know what was left and what was right. That’s insanity Constant Reader. And westside problems mind you.
So when I finally came around to picking this book up, I was able to relate to the author in so many ways. From his insane childhood, to beginining to hate meetings to losing people. It was a powerful piece of writing. Even for those not in recovery I’d recommend it. If anyone out there has seen ‘Running with Scissors’, this book can be seen in some ways as the sequel. Both describe a very abnormal childhood which in my experience carries over into one’s adult hood.
The good thing is that book inspired me in so many ways. It inspired me to write again. Maybe not all in the blog but just in general. I can finally hear my voice coming back and those other voices in my head, the ones that hang out with the village idiot well they seemed to have calmed down for the moment.
But tomorrow is always a brand new day, and I need to approach it as such.